So, I spent six and a half months in Germany. I don't want to be a cliché, but it changed my life. I got to be Drew, the funny, outgoing, down-for-anything guy, that I've always wanted a chance to be, but never found myself in the right surrounding. I'd always been Andrew, the constantly stressed, always tired, burning-the-candle-from-both-ends control freak.
I arrived in Germany and the change was instantaneous, I slept more than I have in years, I had time to kill, and a new found blood-lust to kill that time. Life was perfect. I was taking classes, sure, it was a semester abroad, but everything came easy. I finally got a chance to see what living like an average college student was like. I loved it.
But now I'm back in America, in the town I grew up in, going to the school I'd always dreamed of going to, and I'm straight up exhausted. Readjusting has proved to be somewhat insurmountable. I'm doing the roughly the same amount of work I did before I left, but everything constantly feels like I'm barely keeping my head above water.
So the question is: if who I am as a person changed, but this new person doesn't fit into my old life, how do I reconcile these two selves and become a complete person? I like Drew better, but I'm back in Andrew's world now, and there's very little place for Drew here. Most people change gradually, and in a lasting environment. I see it as being the frog, in the whole boiling-a-frog scenario. (If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you put a frog in cool water and heat it gradually to boiling, the frog stays. Which by the way is a really unpleasant concept, but fitting for this example.) If a person changes gradually they don't notice until they look back at who they were. But I changed rapidly and in a different environment, and coming home just feels like being thrown into boiling water I can't jump out of.
The obvious answer is to just change my life here, but that is way easier said than done. Andrew's world is exciting and challenging, but it doesn't leave much wiggle room. I'm at a point where I'm either all in, or all out. I guess I just have to see if the boiling water cools down before I have to jump out, or just end up boiled.
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Let's talk about this. I had a similar experience-- both after living in Spain and after my master's degree. I think these issues are tough, and not always resolvable, but I do think they deserve discussion. I wonder if this way of thinking is helpful to thinking about your paper, too. Are there gender constructs that feel this way, and what is the moving in and out of these that causes discomfort?
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